jewin' the fat

Top Ten: The Zionist Conspiracy

In honour of the biggest Zionist day in the calendar year this week, here’s a tribute to the ten or so biggest Zionist-stereotypes, all of whom claiming to hold the key to what a ‘true’ Zionist really is. The reality is, at the end of the day, that Zionism is not a political theory, power conspiracy nor a policy of a government (as detractors/hacks/ignoramuses may assume), it is an ideology which is inherently personal, and interpreted by the individual to facilitate self-determination as a member of the Jewish people.

As it turns out, a bunch of those Jew-Individuals got together a couple hundred years ago and, determined to do more than argue with each other on the value of a state for Jews or a Jewish state, actually set about creating it.

It is neither the plot of the 8th Harry Potter novel, 'Harry Potter and the Zionist Conspiracy to take over the world with superior money-handling skills and uber-developed business acumen mu-ha-ha-ha-hacking-cough-ha-ha!" (HT @ : he's a Zionist - he knows!)

#10 – The GastroZionist – The only thing this Zionist connects with in or about Israel is the direct connection between mouth and stomach. From the dirt-cheap-and tasty Arak, to the best shwarma in the country, this Zionist shows he truly cares about national security, and a fair peace deal – that hat is, the national security of Israel’s hummus prowess in Abu Ghosh (suck on that Lebanon), and the ability of Israeli/Palestinian Ottolenghi chefs Sami and Yotam working together to create superb cuisine. Just don’t mention the 8 kilos they’ve piled on while in the Holy Land.

#9 – The Pro-government Zionist – It doesn’t matter if the government is knocking down houses, building houses or evacuating them, this Zionist is a zealot for a Prime Minister and knows the name, age and military career of every leader in the Israeli government. Wrong or right, for this person, Zionism is a language learned via the Ministry of Foreign affairs website, and any detractors are immediately reprimanded for their narrow (cough) view of politics in the Middle East. Best kept for those who don’t actually have an opinion, but know how to read (and memorise) an MFA Press release

#8 – The Anti-government Zionist – The natural predator/victim of the pro-government Zionist, this person cannot discuss Israel or Palestine without prefacing every statement with “I’m a Zionist … but”. It makes them feel entitled to their opinion, which often is contrary “just to play devil’s advocate, you feel me?”  Not as virulent as the anti-Zionist, this kind of Zionism is generally cultivated through a politics major in their BA, and a life-affirming quote like “don’t just make a point, make a scene”

# 7 – The Ziotourist – Closely linked to the High-School Zionist (See Below), the Ziotourist believes all it takes is a minibus and some packed-lunches to ensure a complete understanding of the history of Zionism – in a convenient ten day tour of the Holy Land. He/She sports an SLR, only stays at the King David Hotel and believes without question every word the tour guide utters. Don’t cross this intellectual juggernaut or you’ll be sorry: “HEY! I’ve been to that salty lake, OK? I know a LOT about Israel.”

#6 – The Creative Zionist – For these lucky people, Zionism is a chance to finally pursue their life’s work in Israel, free from the Diasporic constraints of a “real job”. The Secret? Israel’s indefatigable network of young people with great ideas – for new immigrant social networking thanks to an innovative young Australian, an entrepreneurial and baking-obsessed pair of girlfriends who brought the cupcake to the Middle East or the enterprising guys who brought the pioneering spirit of Zionism into the 21st century with Presentense – an organisation which lives to inspire and re-engage Zionism through an institute, magazine, blog, workshops and grants for individual projects. If you will it, it is no dream.

#5 – The Technozionist – These kids love the idea that Israel is a world class centre for research and development, leading the world in IT, bio-technology and water conservation, has produced a few Nobel Prize winners, and thinks the So you want to boycott Israel?” You Tube montage is the best thing since the camera pill (Yep, also Israeli). Of course, this stems from their grandparents refusal to buy anything German, or their parents refusal to fly Emirates, but hey, at least we can credit these guys with making sure EVERYONE on Facebook knows about Better Place.

#4 – The Christian Zionist – Messianic, Evangelical, and responsible for putting the “fun” and “mental” in Fundamentalist, this Zionist is prone to suffering from Jerusalem Syndrome, is a UIA fundraising machine and has their own evangelical US TV Series. But don’t be fooled, while they snap happily away at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, and can be found marching down the Via Dolorosa around Easter-time, these bad-boys are only using you. See, the path to heaven is paved with the souls of sinners, and if you ain’t Christian, you’re gonna get it when that Rapture comes. Be warned.

#3 – The Jewish Religious Zionist – This Zionist is a cut above the rest, and knows it too. All those wars won, land claimed and British Mandates received were, according to the Jewish Religious Zionist, the work of God. Modern-day miracles, and through the power of prayer and Torah was the modern state of Israel birthed. It’s enough to make you want to go to Shule.

#2 – (z)Ironist – Think “I Israel” T-Shirts, Jewish kaffiyehs and a penchant for Asaf Avidan and the Mojos. Steeped in insincerity, this Zionism is a contradiction in terms – but so über cool. Instantly recognisable, and with an insatiable desire for Israeli Poster Centre bumper stickers, this Zionist hipster will take you to Uganda art gallery for drinks, poetry slams at Tmol Shilshom, and jungle-juice fuelled raves in tunnels in Gan Saccer. It ain’t your mama’s kinda scene, but hell, at least you’re in Israel, right?

#1 – The HighSchool Zionist – Remember the kids at high-school Jewish Studies/Counter Point/youth movement camps who were forever sprouting diatribes about the importance of Jewish self-determination, and the inspirational pioneering spirit of  first Eastern European Jews who returned to their ancient homeland to personally cultivate the land of Eretz Yisrael? (vomit) Yeh, the same ones who shut that shit down when they realised the had to get 99.5 to become the lawyer/doctor/Macquarie Banker their mum always wanted them to be. It’s easy to get sucked into the ideological vortex (who doesn’t love big-fish-little-fish-cardboard-box) but as soon as they realise ideology never got anyone a job at Allens, it’s all “Nah man, like, I love Israel and everything, but you know, I gotta get serious so I can make my first million by the age of 25.”

And one more for FTW  …

The Sexual Zionist – From the age of 18 to 21, almost all Israelis are engaged in national service, often in the military. And God help us, if the site of a guy (or girl) carrying a semi-automatic weapon, dressed in green with a jaunty beret doesn’t have you reaching for a towel to wipe off your seat, you ain’t been to Israel. Don’t believe me? Bar Rafaeli, Soldiers of Maxim, and more. Enough said.


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[…] who is a Zionist? Check this out for the full list of wannabes, willneverbes and wildebeest that make up the Zionist colour […]

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